Ups and downs

I woke up and didn't want to get up, no surprises there. I didn't even want to be awake in the first place. The thought of dragging my sorry ass outta bed every single morning is... exhausting, really. I lack motivation and it infuriates me. I have so many friends who seem to just jump up and DO something with themselves, have a passion for their lives. And I want to do things, believe me...I want to fucking do something. I have enough plans and dreams for a whole horde, I just....I can't ever seem to get there. So easily discouraged. Where does it come from? All that motivation and focus.
I can't even concentrate on one thing for 5 minutes before I get bored and side-tracked!

I'm trying really hard lately with the fitness and healthy eating side, I know it all plays a massive role and I do notice a difference in my mood at times. And a bit of advice to anyone who is maybe a bit sad or lonely...get a dog! Wicket will jump up onto the couch, climb up and sit on my tummy, front paws on my chest and stare me straight in the eyes. Seriously, just sits there and stares at me. Maybe tries to sit on the laptop or anything else I might be holding. This is one of my dogs telling me to get up off my ass and take them for their daily walk. So it's either drag myself from sinking deeper or feel guilty as fuck for not taking him out.
So the walk is my new daily routine which I plan on expanding into a whole tonne of sweaty, muscle tearing activities. And I'm looking forward to it, healthy body healthy mind, right? I'm just scared that like everything else I've tried in my life, it'll last a week and then I will lose all that motivation. I'll get a bad hangover or have a binge day on terrible food I don't even like and then that'll be it..."It's not worth it coz it's not working anyway. You're just stupid as fuck, go back to sleep."

Ugh, thank you brain. Thank you for fucking up on the chemical front. Appreciate it tonnes.

The start of my journey

As part of my quest for happiness and a normal state of mind, I have found that putting my trust in people is crucial. Not every Dick and Harry I happen to meet, but those who have been there all along.

For most of my life to date, I have lived in fear of the thoughts of others...my complete lack of self-worth has ruined many friendships, relationships and even more opportunities but, I have (finally) reached a point where I know I cannot lead the life I want if I continue to live the way I am. Living in constant worry of how I am viewed. I lie and hide under the presumption that I will never be good enough for anybody, regardless of anything I may be told to the contrary. 

A year ago I decided to take action. With my ever supportive and loving partner by my side, assuring me that the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel are not normal or healthy, I faced my fears and traveled all the way back from KL to NZ to visit a psychologist. I didn't believe that any sort of diagnosis would help me to change the way I was, all I had ever known was how to doubt myself completely and live with all my sadness, but as I sat in my car after a 1 hour session with a lady I would never be brave enough to visit twice, I felt the smallest little flicker of relief enter my mind as I cried pathetically to myself. After a quick consultation with my doctor (and I do mean quick) anti-depressants and sleeping pills were passed on to my shaky little hands and I was moved along. 

And so that was that.

But a year later and all the sadness and self-hate is still there. I take a prozac every morning, refuse the sleeping pills and try as hard as I can to find the positive in each day but I'm still lost, lonely and depressed more often than not. I often feel isolated but do I try to interact with the outside world? The second I step outside, every thought in my mind turns on me...I'm dressed wrong. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Boring. Nobody wants you around. Anxiety comes flooding in, causes me to stress and panic. An OCD (I have only just discovered it was an OCD) kicks in and it is all I can do to stop every bad thing possible from happening. The drugs could take years to work, all the little tips and tricks are only slight or temporary relief from this ever increasing black hole inside me. Consuming any positive little piece that I may try to summon up.

I have more knowledge of this illness and why I am the way I am but no knowledge of how to fix it once and for all. All I'm ever told is to "Stay on your meds and just give it time." A sentence that holds little comfort. And so, I have decided that honesty is my next step. To be open about who I am and (hopefully) to see that people still care for me, love me. Maybe even perhaps that people already saw something like this about me but didn't let it become an issue. I have no idea what types of reactions I will receive, if any...I just don't want to live in fear anymore. I want to feel brave. 

Hense...I decided to start a blog. It wont always be doom and gloom, I would just like a way out of my own head. Receive advice perhaps, start conversations. And speaking face to face is a step to far for me just yet.