Kenyan Carpentry Program

This is a guys dream to help people who aren't as lucky as some of us are. He's from a little ol' place called New Zealand and is a really decent guy. So I thought I'd share this in the hope that it spreads a bit further and a few more people are willing to help out those in need.
Check out the link, do something good today and pat yourself on the back for being a good person :)
https://www.facebook.com/KenyanCarpentryProgram?hc_location=stream

24. Tom Waits - Singapore (Live, Atlanta 2008)

How I feel.

This chick needs more recognition! Have a listen and fall in love with her voice.

A hammer and a nail

I took the colour

from your eyes

and left you colour-blind

And I stitched your lips together

so I could watch

your silent screams

Then I splayed your fingers flat

gripped hard and tight in my sweating palm

a hammer of great size

I brought it down to meet the nail

that met your nail

Each nail

That I nailed to the table

Just to watch you bleed.

Finding fulfillment in the wrong places.

The pills help. Of course they help, that's what they are supposed to do. But they don't make you better, not by any stretch.
They just make you less shit.
The pills make it so the sadness can rise up and fill that horrible, empty gap that sits inside, that nothingness inside my soul. And it was that, the numbness that made everything so dark, so desolate. At  least with the sadness I can see a change in me and in my moods. There are days where all the painful guilt and anger can be kept at bay...it makes things look more positive. 
I can look back now and see the depression in stages, first was sadness and confusing, then anger that for years just grew, grew, grew, consuming every cell within me. A walking hate machine. And then the numbness. After all the self harm and failed suicide attempts I had nothing left. Even death, in all it's desirable freedom, didn't want me.
I had become so apathetic. My days required only a bottle and a pack of smokes. What an easy way to live, to dull the dullness with fuzziness.
But why stop there? We are creatures of consumption, an era of children born with wants. And so I became nothing more than a creature of habit. Until the habit began to expand...anything and everything.
Nothing is enough anymore. I'm constantly trying to find ways to feed each and every little habit.
Soul-sucking and life-fuckingly wondrous habits.
Even with the one person who is my only chance at something real and kind and healthy, my thoughts struggle to deal with the day to day realness of sobriety. Knowing I could lose the one that I live for still doesn't seem enough to keep these needy, slimy fucking cravings at bay.
In a place where everything you could want or need, is at your fingertips, but with only willpower to keep you from it all, only you and your already smeared conscience to control the want...how long can such a weak person last? Because to stay sober is fucking hard for someone who wants to feel something more than pain for just a small while. To be sober, fills that sadness with an even deeper emptiness of knowing who you are...the type of person you would become if left to your own devices.
Nothingness of a different kind.

Shards and Stones

I am an empty soul

that rots down below

No chance they gave me

and no one to save me

I wanted more

but I soon saw

that all this pain

is mine to gain

I spent a lifetime in tears

and beyond that, in fear

All I craved for was touch

but even that proved, too much

I took each broken shard

of other peoples hearts

and glued them all together

to shelter them from the weather

Each stone they threw

tore me into

many bitter lies

and my loves demise

Too many days of being depressed.

Yesterday was a good day. Motivation galore. Running and keeping busy and doing things. Today...?
Today is shit. Today I feel like all I want to do is sleep. Or drink. Drinking always brings me up but then dumps me even further down the next day.
What changes my mood so drastically? My diet is the same, poppin' the same prozac every morning, keeping off the drugs...I feel like a fucking see-saw.

I read a little scientific post about the effectiveness of pharmaceutical anti-depressants and the newly discovered cause of (most) depressions. They believe that it may not be a lack of/increase of certain chemicals, but the inability for the cells within the brain to connect. So an uptake-inhibitor isn't necessarily going to make much difference to a lot of people. Which, when reading case studies, makes a lot of sense.
So instead of assuming the pills won't work (which I know they do, to the extent of I no longer feel the need to slice my own skin open) I've gotta be pro-active, right? Research more about this, change more of my diet...find ways to make my damn brain communicate properly!

Pretty sure I'd be freaking lost without my dogs and my man. It's amazing how much patience and love one person can give. Homesick as shit, comes on real strong some days. But I wanted this...travel and experience and getting away from the safety of home. It's changed me so much, in good ways. I'm braver now than I ever have been. And I know I'm pretty fucking lucky. Counting my blessing today, I take too much for granted. I know life is amazing and there is so much to it, I've got to find a way to wake myself up and actually live my life!

I'm gonna start with lots of coffee.

Ups and downs

I woke up and didn't want to get up, no surprises there. I didn't even want to be awake in the first place. The thought of dragging my sorry ass outta bed every single morning is... exhausting, really. I lack motivation and it infuriates me. I have so many friends who seem to just jump up and DO something with themselves, have a passion for their lives. And I want to do things, believe me...I want to fucking do something. I have enough plans and dreams for a whole horde, I just....I can't ever seem to get there. So easily discouraged. Where does it come from? All that motivation and focus.
I can't even concentrate on one thing for 5 minutes before I get bored and side-tracked!

I'm trying really hard lately with the fitness and healthy eating side, I know it all plays a massive role and I do notice a difference in my mood at times. And a bit of advice to anyone who is maybe a bit sad or lonely...get a dog! Wicket will jump up onto the couch, climb up and sit on my tummy, front paws on my chest and stare me straight in the eyes. Seriously, just sits there and stares at me. Maybe tries to sit on the laptop or anything else I might be holding. This is one of my dogs telling me to get up off my ass and take them for their daily walk. So it's either drag myself from sinking deeper or feel guilty as fuck for not taking him out.
So the walk is my new daily routine which I plan on expanding into a whole tonne of sweaty, muscle tearing activities. And I'm looking forward to it, healthy body healthy mind, right? I'm just scared that like everything else I've tried in my life, it'll last a week and then I will lose all that motivation. I'll get a bad hangover or have a binge day on terrible food I don't even like and then that'll be it..."It's not worth it coz it's not working anyway. You're just stupid as fuck, go back to sleep."

Ugh, thank you brain. Thank you for fucking up on the chemical front. Appreciate it tonnes.

The start of my journey

As part of my quest for happiness and a normal state of mind, I have found that putting my trust in people is crucial. Not every Dick and Harry I happen to meet, but those who have been there all along.

For most of my life to date, I have lived in fear of the thoughts of others...my complete lack of self-worth has ruined many friendships, relationships and even more opportunities but, I have (finally) reached a point where I know I cannot lead the life I want if I continue to live the way I am. Living in constant worry of how I am viewed. I lie and hide under the presumption that I will never be good enough for anybody, regardless of anything I may be told to the contrary. 

A year ago I decided to take action. With my ever supportive and loving partner by my side, assuring me that the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel are not normal or healthy, I faced my fears and traveled all the way back from KL to NZ to visit a psychologist. I didn't believe that any sort of diagnosis would help me to change the way I was, all I had ever known was how to doubt myself completely and live with all my sadness, but as I sat in my car after a 1 hour session with a lady I would never be brave enough to visit twice, I felt the smallest little flicker of relief enter my mind as I cried pathetically to myself. After a quick consultation with my doctor (and I do mean quick) anti-depressants and sleeping pills were passed on to my shaky little hands and I was moved along. 

And so that was that.

But a year later and all the sadness and self-hate is still there. I take a prozac every morning, refuse the sleeping pills and try as hard as I can to find the positive in each day but I'm still lost, lonely and depressed more often than not. I often feel isolated but do I try to interact with the outside world? The second I step outside, every thought in my mind turns on me...I'm dressed wrong. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Boring. Nobody wants you around. Anxiety comes flooding in, causes me to stress and panic. An OCD (I have only just discovered it was an OCD) kicks in and it is all I can do to stop every bad thing possible from happening. The drugs could take years to work, all the little tips and tricks are only slight or temporary relief from this ever increasing black hole inside me. Consuming any positive little piece that I may try to summon up.

I have more knowledge of this illness and why I am the way I am but no knowledge of how to fix it once and for all. All I'm ever told is to "Stay on your meds and just give it time." A sentence that holds little comfort. And so, I have decided that honesty is my next step. To be open about who I am and (hopefully) to see that people still care for me, love me. Maybe even perhaps that people already saw something like this about me but didn't let it become an issue. I have no idea what types of reactions I will receive, if any...I just don't want to live in fear anymore. I want to feel brave. 

Hense...I decided to start a blog. It wont always be doom and gloom, I would just like a way out of my own head. Receive advice perhaps, start conversations. And speaking face to face is a step to far for me just yet.